Another video?
I was using my phone to research a product when someone walked past me, smiled and said, “Another video?” It was said lightly and without menace, yet I felt an odd flicker inside.
It wasn’t the first time. A little quip here, a mention there. Then there were the Spanish guys in the bar playing my clips back-to-back, finding them far more amusing than I would have liked.
And realisation hit me that locally, some people know who I am, but I don’t know them, a subtle shift. People outside my own circle recognise me from small moments on their screens. A few minutes of talking, explaining a product, or my latest walk. I am visible on a social media stage, where people don’t always click ‘Like”, or “Comment”, but they do watch. Judging from the comfort of their barstool or when checking their phone between adverts.
It’s a scary place when you are not a naturally confident person.
A friend will declare “what?! Of course you are!” But I have had to work on that for years. I didn’t suddenly wake up with confidence. Feeling confident whilst being vulnerable is hard.
I watch myself back , and it’s brutal. I don’t just criticise my voice, I also hyper-criticise my appearance. Hair wirelesses sticking out in a way I hadn’t noticed at the time. A face that looks more tired on screen than it felt in the moment. Some bad lighting or clothing choices can make the softness around my middle become emboldened and underlined, bringing out wrinkles that are usually more subtle but are now more prominent.
It is remarkable how quickly your eyes search for flaws.
And beneath it all, a question surfaces. Who do I think I am?
There are young influencers making it look effortless, often with filters, but appearing to ooze confidence. Then there are the growing AI videos. Who would watch me?!
Putting myself out there in midlife is scary. I am not AI, and I am not perfect. I don’t bounce back from embarrassment easily. I am simply me. Mid 50’s and can’t remember how to use my camera half the time. Often doing 5 takes, to end up with the first!
I carry years of self-awareness, history, weight, and noticing imperfections. Despite that, there is a part of me that enjoys making the videos now. Not always the result, but I feel better about trying. I know it's an experience. I know I am slowly building confidence. I know doing these videos is stretching me in ways I haven’t experienced until now.
It seems that enjoying something and feeling vulnerable doing it, have to exist side by side.
When you put yourself out there, on and off camera, you invite opinion.
You open yourself to interpretation. You risk being misunderstood. You risk someone rolling their eyes. You risk someone thinking you are trying too hard. And saying, “Who does she think she is?!”
Confidence doesn’t always arrive before action. If you wait until you feel camera-ready. When we have polished that delivery. Or found a camera that is kinder. You will never be ready.
Confidence grows, it stretches – only when you lean out of your comfort zone.
There is something quietly powerful about deciding that the fear will not dictate your direction. That you feel the fear and do it anyway. You keep going. You learn to laugh at yourself, and you keep building. Not because you are perfectly confident, but because you are willing to try.
Why try at all?
Because if I don’t do this now, I suspect I never will. And I don’t want to look back at sixty-five wondering why I made myself smaller, just to avoid a passing comment in a bar. Believe me when I say that I don't want to be famous. Sod that! My goal has always been to help people, not grandly or heroically. But in any way that Tracey can. I know what it feels like to sit on the edge of something and think, “I wish I could…” I know what it feels like to hesitate. If one person watches and thinks, “If she can do that, then so can I”, then it matters.
With sharing my walking online, I hope people don’t just see the routes. I hope they see the possibility. That movement is still theirs. Or perhaps they can still feel part of something by watching, and enjoying my walks vicariously through me. Sometimes being included is enough for some to enjoy.
I’m beginning to realise that shrinking to stay comfortable carries regret. Midlife feels less like a time to retreat and more like questioning what I want. Do I make myself smaller, or do I allow myself to grow? Or at least try!
Perhaps one day, when someone says, “Another video?”
I will hear it differently.
Not as a challenge.
But as recognition of where my confidence is today
Does any of this resonate with you? I would love to hear in the comments x
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